I have a younger cousin that frequently calls to ask for advice on matters of the heart. I don’t know when I graduated from Dr Cupid school of relationship psychology and counselling but I can confidently say that I am good at it, if the feedback reports he gives me are anything to go by. That’s probably why he comes back for more. Anyway, someone (I also don’t know his/her name) said that the best relationship advice is from single brats like son of man. Even in my church, the celibate priest gives marriage advice to spouses. That aside, due to public demand, I decided to publish my lecture notes. It is a limited edition go to manual for the green heads. Those who want advanced level lessons can register for it at a little fee. That aside, here is the “shit”
THOU SHALT KISS/SMASH N TELL
If you are the type of guy that announces to the squad every encounter you have had, you are still a baby that runs to the mother to snitch on Brayo from next door for calling you a dog. If you smash, she has given you something so special yet private. Don’t go around insulting her, telling others about that intimate session.
CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS
It’s one thing to visit the loo for a short call and not wash your hands and another walking around with a dirty boxer, with the latter being sacrilege. Don’t leave the house with remains of last night’s meal in your teeth. If you constantly have bad breath, chew some Orbit. Ladies will definitely appreciate it if you wore some cologne to tackle your bad body odor. Don’t be a clean freak though that you walk with a sanitizer in your pocket to disinfect your hands after greeting people. You will be losing your roots.
SALTINESS IS FOR SISSIES
After the unfortunate event of a breakup, don’t be the bastard that hold grudges for eternity. Woe unto you if you air her dirty laundry for the whole universe to see for Abraham, Isaac and Jacob will curse your lineage. To those who post statuses alluding to the “happier now than when we were together” persona, you are only confirming to us that you still got feelings. According to Freud, “the instinct of love toward an object demands a mastery to obtain it, and if a person feels they can’t control the object, or feel threatened by it, they act negatively toward it. Like an eighth-grade boy punching a girl.” only that you don’t know how to express them or can’t.
YOUR GALLERY IS NOT OURS
Ok, I am guilty of surviving on my neighbour’s WIFI hence minimal if not zero budget on a data plan. But that doesn’t mean when I go to the WhatsApp statuses or Facebook all I want to see is your lovey dovey pictures and quotes. I would really appreciate if you kept it private (not secret, I hope you get the difference), only occasionally marking your territories e.g on Valentine’s Day and on her birthday. I also don’t expect her in your profile picture throughout. Halafu, the man that posts everything they do ‘AKO NA UMAMA’ and the chic ‘AWACHE UTOTO’. Please keep in mind that the internet never forgets. Your in-laws and job interviewers may access some of them.
THINK LIKE A MAN
You are your own definition of a man. F**k societal norms and expectations. You want to dress like Young Thug, the degenerate artist from Wakanda just because everyone is doing so… remember you are in Africa where voodoo is real. A person will look at your bare chest and pap, your stomach swells. Listen to your guardians, friends etc but also have a reasoning of your own. Most people will only tell you to do what will benefit them not what will make you happy. They hate her, ok, but since when did they become shareholders in your love life?
LONG LIVE THE HOMIES!
Remember that you knew your buddies long before she came into your life. It’s to them that you will definitely run after a breakup, the ones you call when you become a guest of the state or the bill at Altona café (where you took her for a date) is beyond your wallet’s upper limit. Bros before whores they say, but remember she is not the whore. She’s your girl. Just try to strike a balance.
AVOID HER COMPOUND
To the pathological hyena, go dribble your d**k elsewhere. Her relatives and friends are a NO GO ZONE. Consider them a heavily guarded military installation where any intruder is shot to be killed. If you play here and she finds out, she’ll not only lose her boyfriend but also faith in those close to her.
DON’T LEAVE THE BALL IN HER COURT
Be the man. Don’t make her plan and do everything. Initiate a conversation, make the phone calls, buy her ice-cream, pull the chair for her etc. Make her feel special, and she will be your number 1 fan in everything you do.
LEAVE HER PAST
We all have a past. Don’t peel the scabs that conceal her wounds even when the argument is heated. It probably took years for the pain or shame to fade but with just one word you can bring it all back in a fraction of a second. Try to walk out till both of you calm down
Know her calendar. I repeat, know her calendar and thank me later. Forget Valentine’s Day and she won’t look you in the eye, forget her birthday and LO! 3 months dry spell for boychild.