She owed me one. So I reached out to her (agitah.wordpress.com) for an article the other day. She crafted one, that which an ex may compose as a reply to Epistle to my Ex which I wrote a couple of days ago. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the small bodied Hagines’ (Agnes’s) work which I now somehow own after a lil bit of blackmail.
I received your mail. Believe me when I say that I tried to feel your pain. I really did. I even tried to convince myself to give you another chance but the truth of the matter is that I feel no remorse for dumping you because you deserved it…..and so much more. Our love was like a bipolar patient, swinging like a pendulum, from one extreme end of emotions to the other. You always called me a drama queen, well newsflash honey! Drama drives the damn point home! How many times did I have to throw tantrums for you to act? How many? Remember when I told you that I never liked your ‘friend’ Rosy? Huh? How I long suspected that she had feelings for you and that you kinda liked her? All you had to do was respect our love when around Rosy! But no! No babe! You should have seen your face when I showed you the photo of Rosy and you engaged in a passionate lip lock! The photo, which I obtained courtesy of my CID team i.e. ride or die girlfriends, hurt me! Actually hurt is a huge understatement! I was shattered! That is why I slapped both of you and provided a free drama scene for the passersby on that fateful Saturday morning. That is why I dumped you in front of all and sundry at that very moment. They say that there is nothing as embarrassing as woman busted cheating but I wanted you to be the most embarrassed thing under the sun!
You know, it’s funny how you were always insecure. You always suspected me of cheating, kumbe all along you were scared that I could be doing what you were doing with Rosy? Shameless! Maybe now you are wondering whether I got booed up for real. Yes I did. I dumped your sorry ass for someone else, the guy I introduced to you as my cousin hohoho! And he treats me better. Most importantly, he is faithful, say it with me F.A.I.T.H.F.U.L.! Yes this brother man be loyal, you may not understand this concept but I don’t blame you. If the photos of bae and I on social are suffocating your unfaithful ass, then stop stalking me! You lost me! Get that through your cheating skull! We would have been a power couple if you had treated me right, but screwing up was one of your specialties aye?
Here are two little facts about millennial relationships; women can smell bullshit from miles and they are not afraid to walk away from it! And behind every rocky relationship there is a guy masquerading in the friend zone, eagerly waiting for the lady’s boyfriend/husband to screw up, so that he can swing in like Tarzan and take the lady with him. Thank me later. I hear nowadays you are anti-pizza, ati it has something to do with me. Let me laugh hahaha! You should try standup comedy hun. You? Avoid pizza? Chezoz! Let me laugh again hahaha! I hope you get the joke dear.
As for my family, it doesn’t matter how much you hate them because the love we have for each other is more than enough. Please tell your caring sisters that I don’t give a gosh dorn, I don’t give a zebra’s balls, I don’t give a hippo’s butt crack and I don’t give a bat’s eye lashes of what they think about me. Basically, I have no fucks to give! I don’t care if they are baying for my blood! Who invited them to meddle into our affairs anyway? Si it was you? That’s the problem of dating a guy who is always involving his entire clan in his personal affairs. Thank God I dumped you! I also hope your petty sisters know my brothers because I would hate to have their faces disfigured. I am all about peace you know. Also kindly, and this is a humble request, please tell Rosy to stop spewing hate on my social media pages. It is not my fault that my photos and insta stories are always fab just like me. I didn’t beg God to create me like this. Actually, I almost blocked her bitter ass online but I realized that I had no time for such pettiness. Plus you can assure her that I left you for her completely. She can have you all she wants, in the morning, in the evening…. As in, nilimwachia kabisa! I am not interested in sharing!
Ama things are not that rosy with Rosy? (Pun intended).
So unless she is also interested in me (of which I have zero interest in her), she should leave me alone.
You said that love felt like a heart attack when I dumped you, for me it felt like an endless epileptic seizure when I came across photographic evidence of your cheating (read photo of you and Rosy kissing). I was even more infuriated when you blamed your precarious act on enemies of progress using Photoshop! My God! The nerve!
All I am saying is that I moved on, so should you. By the way, I think you and Rosy deserve each other. Both of you are confused and that’s the kind of confusion which you can’t subject any other innocent creature of God to. It would be very unfair, honestly. As for bae and I, we will continue to enjoy our love.
PS: Jazmine is still my favorite scent and you are never getting my new number. I thought that I should be honest.
Your happy, elated, jubilated, madly in love, corybantic, beatific, fine and ever gorgeous, Ex-Girlfriend